There is such a place as full stop, even for a wandering gypsy soul (and yes, probably our definitions of full stop differ as well, but this is relatively where I am at). I crossed the border to one of my favourite countries, Mexico. The food, the people, the culture, the landscapes… and suddenly I was faced with a panic. I couldn’t leave the bus station. I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t want to go anywhere. This whole ‘finding a place’ and ‘seeing the ruins’ was all too much. I came here to write a book. Right now, that feels like a distant dream. Instead of being inspired, my whole existence is somehow experiencing a threat, an overwhelm. For three days I didn’t move, I found a place for my hamock and a restaurant with wifi, where I sit for the fourth night. I order the same things to eat and drink. I stick to a routine. That gives me some comfort, to think of my next morning coffee.
I have been on the road non-stop for about 1,5 years. Last time I lived in my own house was 3 years ago. I’ve slept in my hammock, under a highway bridge, a tabletop, hospital floor, luxury villas, a cruiseship, plenty of busses, friend’s couches, arms of lovers, grass huts, rooftops, beaches, trees, you-name-it. I’ve always felt safe. Now, the idea of sleeping indoors my myself scares me. To face the solitude, or the meaninglessness of this whole lifestyle. I don’t want to take up any space, except the one in my beloveds’ lives.
Only when I began to translate these concepts to myself in my native tongue (suomi), did I realize that independent has the same origin as selfish and stubborn (itsenäinen-itsekäs-itsepäinen, all share the word ‘self’). Perhaps this is the biggest teaching of these end days – in order to evolve from this place, I need to be less of those things. In accordance, to be with you, to create and to trust have the same origin in suomi: luonasi – luoda – luottaa. So, in order for me to begin anew, to grow into more communal, serving life, I am going to start by coming ‘home’, nourishing friendships and creating networks out of them. The only remaining problem is that they live in different parts of the world. I’ll sort that out. My new favourite word used to be that word I detested for so long ‘commitment’. At least I’m trying to feel it in a new light.
Because right now I seriously urge for this – security to know you are there to catch me. I have nowhere left to go in this world. I want to celebrate life and build amazing things with the people I already know and admire and trust and who are so open to sharing their gifts and talents in a pot with mine. Let’s make magic happen! Call me into collaboration! (some of you already have! YES I’m gonna write those raplyrics, find those chords to play that poem, create that temple, teach a workshop, film a sex ed video, come and support your life work, YES!)
In a week I will step my foot in some familiar soil, embrace some souls I’ve journeyed with for more than 10years, some that I will journey for 20 more. How amazing that feels.. I truly honour knowing each one of you and growing with you and laughing at life’s little anecdotes, the shit and giggles.
Friends, new and old, near and far, call me!! I’m here and I’m ready to welcome you to my home (again, though it might be a while to physically manifest unless you have a room empty in your house, because I don’t want to live alone). I am going to write, talk, dance, cook, massage and love myself into your lives. ❤