Daemon

I’ve gone where no one else can help me
heal me

I need to break down and cry
because there’s nothing left
but

And I need this
radical honesty
discontinuity
of old tales

I need love
from myself
and as much
I need to love
everyone
as much
as myself

Shake and release
let the emotions surface
vibrate to the rhythm of
the inner gasp

the crying depth

Come out
you demon

Come out
of love

Come out
and break the shells
I stepped on
on the way out
of past lives
pretenses
so many relationships
I didn’t need
to step out of

if we had done the inner work

if I hadn’t flown away
in the secret night

if you hadn’t opened
that wound
which I asked you to

 

What is true?

As much as I have let you down
trust has been found

In the rubble of our war
mine, yours

 

Come out, my demon
let me hold you
with my heartbreaking compassion

Slow it crawls
vanishing from rays of sun
like a shadow
but strangely impenetrable

 The daemon cries in my lap
I cry as well
to figure out what ever brought us
to life, once

 “Let’s just forget about existence” it whispers
shows me exactly how to be a shadow
unseen, unheard, untouchable

Oddly, I find this manner of living close to the way
the guru’s talk about in India
“Anicca…” I name my daemon Goenka

 The one who taught me to sit still in a quiet room
observe life, watch my own sensations
even the panic would rise and fall
when no one came home

My oldest friend, inherited
fed by rejection, yours, mine
feeding on the cloud of ‘no matter’
and now

I am ready to release him
I want to care, Goenka-ji
no longer remain
unattached
unspoken for
I want to matter
and you
don’t have to exist anymore.

 

 

January 2017

 

 

 

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