This whole entry touches upon my relationship to relationships.
I have learnt so much about the almost inevitable fall-out from love’s highest cloud and how it has damaged me. I wish to share some of this know-how.
Sure, we are all fallen angels, but in our human lives, these intense encounters with each other in full fragility… are the most dangerous things I’ve ever done.
Allow me to elaborate on the epilogue first.
Years ago I vowed to have my primary relationship to be to myself, to my heart’s highest truth. Nothing and no one could distract me from following my own compass.
This led me to a path of independence, restlessness, adventure beyond all boundaries, many affairs in the name of free love – allergic to possession in any form.
A month ago I was still ready to give up all attachments, disappear into the unknown that had become my only comfort. That place where no one knows me, misses me, expects me nor holds any power over me.
I had this fixation deep in my soul that by giving up all attachment, I could go ‘home’. I would have nothing left to keep me here, on this planet, in this embodied existence. Not only did I wish to never come back to life, because I was so bored with it, but I wished to STOP EXISTING IN ALL PLANES. Nirvana, they call it, I suppose.
Well, someone encouraged me to try, see what happens.
Obviously I did not find the way out.
But I began to find the way in again.
The following is a key to that door of relating. It is a story of what I went through and why I shunned from repeating such scenario and would resign from this game of relationships altogether.
In the name of love, I claim all its wisdom again, all the challenge, all the pain as well as the bliss. My heart expanding again, I honor our common history…in gratitude.
In every poem I seek your perfect metaphor
I carve words out of my chest
hoping they will touch upon your true nature
Through our distance, my heart has learnt patience
but it will not sleep or stop beating
this commanding drum in my chest
still thrusts me
and beckons the rest
so strong, so certain is the desire in me
yet my rational mind holds me to my place
it recalls the times I have gambled my fortunes away
still remembering every step of the painful return journey
from hearts closed after hours of ecstacy
as thoughts repeat:
“you cannot force your love upon someone
when they are not ready to receive it
best to learn to cultivate this power
So, I let my love be
and it runs wild inside me
this raw beauty
innocence and simplicity
Only in dance I move with it
I take on the form of a goddess
who spins, shakes and compels the rest of me
Some may see sparks and wonder
what magic I use
but all of it is love
my love towards you
When he said we would be together forever
my heart leaped of joy,
that someone would want me and be by my side
through this turmoil of a life I lead
though I replied, coyly:
“Darling how can you assume to know what eternity is?”
and I felt the weight of having lived a thousand years
only later to discover, in awe, the survival of
our love through all those past lives
but then his absence from my home
raised a toxic seed of doubt
that he would not be there,
by my side of the world
and it lifted the head of the monster
full of scars, bruises and sores
the source of my strength and independence
I heard too many promises unkept
so I waited
until my panic attacked me
that I would be alone,
that my trust was not worth the effort, the time,
It seemed easier for me to give up my attachment
in order to keep my freedom
to follow my soul’s purpose
to be safe in my self
but my soul’s only labour is to love
therefore it laughs at the paradox my reason and blind fear posed
that by giving up what I hold most precious I would somehow regain it
From what I know
Love does not die
And since the fateful day we parted
my panic attacks were replaced by a pool of sorrow
my body withdrawing from physical longing
its every cell aching night after night
for his spoon, grasp, smell and shape
and I cried,
in the shower, in a headstand, in school
all day, triggered by a touch of comfort
Before I cried out of fear of losing
and then I cried of letting go
It has not been easy, to be so lost
to seek to understand this lesson in love
by now, I have regained a peace
I sat myself beside a lake with a golden mirror surface
with no more tears to break the reflection
my soul breathes new air into old caves
I know now why I ran away
afraid of rejection, of hurting you
by my own impulse to depart
I have returned to myself
and held with me this golden key of the heart
aligned with my inner truth
The feeling is delightful
a sense of peace about everything around me
gratitude and appreciation towards all friends and strangers
an inner smile, two diamond sharp eyes
and a river of poetry that I may occasionally dance or write out
I know it was not our lack of love that pushed us apart
but a mutual instinct of self-preservation
and the fear of hurting the one we love
although we did right not to raise swords in time of disappointment and anger
when our wounded ego’s took hold of our castle
I think we have since acted as cowards not to admit our craving
to unite and stand at each other’s side
I have been there when my heart has dared me
to face my fear of rejection
I have heaved my demons from the dark to the bright light of day
and learned my lesson not to hide from your piercing gaze
though it burns my flesh like the sun’s rays
and I feel alive, I blush, I smile
and extend my fountain of love to your lips
you may drink
or take sips
or jump and bathe in caresses of pure ecstacy
why deny yourself such elixir of life?
Were we not placed on this corner of the earth
to explore all of each other
to me the quest is not over
until love itself withers
and it has not
at last, we are two enlightened beings in love
what is it that dares stand in the way of us?