Unsent

*it helps to read the following as you would an intimate partner’s letter, from that distant interrupted love – it is personal, but also transpersonal. I am highlighting parts that feel emotional for me, with some further depth hidden inside that sentence. 

 

I thought about you when the rain paused
I dreamt and when I woke the rain had returned
and I felt you still in me

I wondered if I could love you into perfection

how hard it would be for my self
to love, love, love harder
especially that judging self who would come to criticise your being
demanding more
and with rage love that wild woman inside myself
who would try to tear herself free,
stalking for a weak, quiet moment to destroy all
making adventures inside secrets
building that wall

And just before I could finish the sentence
my holy whore leapt out of me
reigning a part of my soul and more of my body
abandoning all my visions as illusory
– because only a relationship in the here and now
both partners present in this moment – is real

My dream of you became a distant mirage
too late to cancel my flight, change my mind
go back to the past
I can only love more
this moment, the rain
(the 50 whining beings pleading for my attention
and warm blood behind the thin veil)

(*it is true I have managed to make some peace with mosquiteros..
they seem to bother me less and go for the other people more.
The only coherent explanation is that I accept them.)

Besides, I am to be this holy whore aren’t I?
Serving God through following my heart
opening seizelessly
not limiting my expression of love
into one being
Would there be a man who could accept
and encourage and nourish
this priestess on Life’s shrine
worshipping Love
through a current of sexuality.

(The rain stops and starts again)

I would be such a demaning partner
I would write about everything
as much as fight for every freedom lost
I dont know if I would be able to
see the God in you
every day being
the teacher and the student
and ultimately,
I do not know what your destiny is
and how it is encoiled with my own
are you there just for me to project
more insecurities onto you
safely, across the sea
and though I would love to join you
the reality in between
is its own adventure
guiding us further
apart.

*this is not the end of the conversation on the difficulties of relating, which is the continuing theme in my life right now

 

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